Saturday, December 5, 2009

Living in Limbo

It has been over 3 months since I last wrote here. Many things have happened. Good and well, not so good. Mostly good though. Domestic Violence awareness is heightening in my place of work due to a wonderful event that I took part in called, "Poetry In Purple". You guessed it. Poets and other artists gathering together to raise awareness about this ugly social disease of domestic abuse. (the magazine is coming soon). There is so much to say about the show but the most important part is that hearts were moved, tears were shed and victims are coming forth more than before to break their silence and get on the road to becoming survivors. If I can use my life to help one person save their life, my job is done.

I was asked to speak at a prestigious university at a conference filled with judges, the most experienced experts in the field and fellow survivors. It was a spiritual experience as I bonded with the other survivors. It was an immediate unspoken love. It's hard to explain but that is the best I can do to describe the kinship I felt with them and the experts. People kept praising me for enduring what I had to endure, witnessing my father constantly abuse my mother but I didn't see the need. This was the life that was handed to me and it was all I knew, so it was somewhat normal to me. Honestly, I did not really see the extent of the dysfunctionality of my childhood and adolescenthood until now. The only way I was able to survive and without self-medicating myself was my relationship with God.

God is a real person to me. My father. I always felt love from God shining down all over me, embracing me. Everytime I would ask for a sign that he loved me, he was patient enough with me to show me. He really is Love. He has protected me through the roughest of times and led me, holding my hand, down a path of peace of mind. Even though I would feel like the lowest thing on planet Earth, he would always assure me that I am special and beautiful and needed to endure and survive. Now I know that I have experienced all that I have in order to help others like me. Orphans of domestic violence who have been forgotten by society. This is why I answered the call of the Purple Ribbon Council to head up a support group for kids who have lost a parent/s to domestic violence called The Butterfly Club. I know it is God's will that this program gets off its feet and sprouts wings so I feel honored to be used as a tool by God to make it happen.

Life for me right now is fulfilling for the above reasons but I am also, disappointed, fearful and downright confused about the recent developments involving the status of my father. He was released to a deportation holding facility in August. For more than a decade, my family and I have been assured that he would be deported to his country of birth. We rested our hopes on this and so this gave us peace of mind. But this past Thursday, December 3rd, a relative was informed that my father would be released here in our hometown that very same day. Of course we were all beyond shocked. Immediately I reverted to my 15 year old state when my mom died-the uncontrollable cracking of the knuckles returned, uncontrollable leg shaking, folding my arms in front of me desperately for protection. I am sooooo confused. So now the family has to get Orders of Protection and so on and so forth. I will be contacting my local politicians on Monday because the reason for his release is apalling. My father's country of birth refused to send travel documents for him to return. Basically, they don't want him. So America simply releases him to the public? CRAZY!!!

I don't know what or who my father is now, nor am I interested. I do hope that he has truly accepted God in his life. But that is his business. I have to go on what I remember of him. Besides being a murder, he was a manipulating, calculating, stalker who fed off of fear and intimidation. I have to protect myself and my siblings.
This situation is too big for me to handle emotionally. When we are having difficult emotions and we are not aware of how to channel them, we almost always release the frustration on those around us, those who we love. This is causing me turmoil in my life. But I do believe that if someone is meant to be with you and truly loves you, they would muster up staying power and try to be there for you. It's so hard when someone cannot or will not stretch their mind to understand what you are going through. It doesn't take mental prowess to do this. It takes love.

I feel like I'm in limbo....

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