Two days ago, while speaking with my friend and founder of the"Purple Ribbon Council", Donna Bartos, I had an epiphany. I always thought that victims of Domestic Abuse unhealthily used their children as a crutch- the reason they can not leave the abusive situation. Now I realize, that is not always the case. My "aha" moment was when I realized that my mother really did not want to get a divorce solely because of my siblings and I.
When my mother would threaten to get a divorce, I do remember my father saying to her that if she ever tried to leave him, he would get custody of us and she would never see us again.
When he was out on bail for an entire year, before he was convicted of manslaughter for my mom's death, my father did try to gain custody of all of us. When he found out that my sister and I were set to testify against him, he switched his interest solely to my little 3 year old brother. Let's not forgot when he kidnapped me from school at the age of 6 and told my mother that if she didn't return home to him, she would never see me again. All of this shows that he did have the audacity to fight for custody of us, even in the face of being convicted for the murder of our mother.
In my mom's mind, she was protecting us, with her life so she endured the abuse. But although it made sense and felt right like the face of a Rubik's cube that appears to be perfectly aligned with 9 blue squares, the other 5 sides were all jumbled up. I wonder if my mother thought of what would happen to us, her children, when she died?